I Have Childhood PTSD From Being Raped in a Forced Child Labor Camp.
#childhoodptsd #baddreamstonight #rapevictim
I just realized that I have been laying here crying and staring at the wall for the last few hours and was not really asleep, nor was I present in my body. I spoke with my 11 year old son earlier and tonight when I feel asleep, I dreamt about when I was 9 -11 years old. I was in a forced child labor camp and was being raped and abused by a particular staff member for a couple of years.
As an adult I was given a collection of photos from the time I was at that camp and about half the photos are me peeking out from a shower curtain, or peeking out from under a blanket, all just before or after being raped by the man who was taking the photos. Tonight in my nightmare, I was flipping through the photos and was reliving each flashbulb memory. I haven't had any bad dreams in a long time but this time I allowed myself to cry and feel the pain and try and let it go. I sure hope it works this time.
The mind is a tricky thing. Here are things that happened to me 25 years ago and my mind is playing them for me in a way they seem to be happening again, right now. I know that I am safe. I know that I am an adult. I damn sure thought I had worked through all of this. The reason that I am sharing this publicly is that since I wrote "Stories I Can't Tell My Kids Yet" and wrote the chapter about what happened to me at Camp Tracey Children's Home, people have contacted me with their own stories. Some are looking for guidance, while others just want to say it out loud to let it go.
For the record, no I don't have it figured out. Most days it doesn't even enter my mind. When it does, it hurts. The difference is now that I understand that none of what happened to me was my fault, and that I am no longer powerless, I can let the negative energy go. I also don't look at these flash backs as negative things. I believe they are just residual stored energy that is working its way out of my body. You see, my polarity has shifted from negative energy, to positive energy and all of this negativity has to go. Random dogs are drawn to walk up next to me and lay down. Children laugh in delight and stare when I walk by. Random wild birds land next to me and start singing away, like scrub jays, and hawks. I am not the scared little boy I used to be. I am a beautiful soul. The pedophile may have taken away my innocence, but he can't take my inner beauty. I will be the light so that I will never again be consumed by the darkness. Fiat Lux.
-Good Luck Out There!
Author Joe Holt